Life, The Expectations, and Everything

Life never ends up as you expect it to. We dream and imagine and have Great Expectations on how Life will play out, but it rarely turns out that way. You take your future for granted, expecting it to just Turn Out how you expected. You don't even necessarily realize that you're expecting it to turn out a certain way until it doesn't turn out that way. At least, that's how it works for me. And even knowing that nothing's going to be as I'm expecting, I still expect things.

I'm not a teacher as I expected to be by now (or rather, a student teacher). I didn't expect this outcome for very long--I've never had Great Expectations for specific careers--but it is still difficult when your Plan falls through. And I'm not even a great planner; in fact, I'd rather other people make plans. I try to keep the mind-frame of Whatever Happens, Happens. My life isn't particularly difficult at the moment, though I'm still having a tough time. I feel...purposeless, listless. I don't know what I want for my future. Or, more specifically, I don't know what Career I want. I know that I want to be happy. It's finding the Right Job that's the hard part. It makes me feel incredibly picky. And dejected. The descriptions of the job/internship make me feel so inadequate. Either I'm not qualified because I don't have 2-5 years experience in the field (and how am I supposed to get said experience if every internship/job requires people to have 2-5 years of experience?!), OR I immediate think "oh, I can't do that; I'd be bad at that." The other half sound boring--which I means I should just apply for the freaking job and not worry about whether it's boring or not. The point is to gain experience (so I can eventually get a job I actually like) and money (so I can pay bills and student loans--you know, SURVIVE).

Anyway, reading the descriptions makes me feel inadequate and insecure and dejected. I know I should just suck it up and apply. After all, as my wise-and-teenaged younger cousin told me, "apply to everything. You're too hard on yourself; employers will judge you differently than you judge yourself. Besides, anything is better than the job you have now." And people say 15-year-olds don't know everything. Okay, he doesn't know everything, but that chunk of wisdom is something to take to heart!

I wish I knew what I wanted to do. As I said, I know I want to be happy. Beyond that...I don't know. I've got this resume and this education. You'd think that's all you need. I expected to go to college (which I did) for four years (which I did...plus almost two more years). I thought I'd have a job by now and a significant-other. And plans for kids five years from now. But now I know that I'm not ready to get married or have kids. And I don't think I'll be ready for kids in five years--but who knows, right? I thought I'd be a writer (and I am, so long as "writer" equals "someone who writes words down on paper" and not "someone with finished novels and manuscripts at the editor and books published.").

Soon I'll have to be living on my own--which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me. I don't WANT to live at family members' houses forever--I do want to get my own place, I'm just scared to do it. I'll have to have a 'Real Job' because this is the "Real World" and "Real Life," which isn't nearly as awesome as Fake Life. I still prefer fantasy to the Real World and I escape there every chance I get. Especially when I'm worrying about finding a job, or I'm at my under the table, minimum wage job-which-I-hate-and-can't-wait-to-get-out-of-but-can't-seem-to-leave.

I wish I wasn't so scared of everything. Scared of being insufficient/inadequate. Scared of not finding the Right Job For Me. Scared to be out on my own. Scared of being alone. Scared of not LIVING my life because of fear. One day, that last fear will be greater than my other fears and I'll be able to do those things I'm scared of. I just hope that that day actually comes before it's too late.

Unschooling

I have just discovered the term “unschooling.” I have never before run across this concept though I believe it is the best way to learn and follows my personal philosophy of education. To me, the ideal educational system is one where the student wants to learn and he or she chooses what he or she wants to learn when he or she wants to do it. I believe the role of a teacher is to help the students discover themselves, find new ways of viewing something, become better thinkers, enrich their lives, and become contributing members of society. The role of the teacher is to help the student figure out who he or she is and who he or she wants to be, find what he or she is passionate about, and find what he or she wants to do. What the student “wants to do” and “wants to be” is a dynamic situation. The student will change. After he or she has been a mechanic for a while he or she might want to be a chef or a sailor or a teacher or a translator. Why do we have to “Grow up” and pick one thing to be for the rest of our lives? That’s silly. Life shouldn’t be about getting to some point in the future. It should be about exploring, learning, discovering, adventuring. Think about it: we are not put in to school the second we first draw breath, and yet, we learn. We learn to speak, we learn to write our names, we learn the colors, how to count, and we are always, always asking questions and wanting to know why. Why should education be any different as we grow older.

I now have this image in my head, a scene really—almost like one of my story ideas—of a school. No, not a school. I’d call it the Temple of Learning. It would be like a boarding school. People of all ages would come together and live at the school. There would be an extensive library, computer lab, science labs, classrooms, etc. There would be classes in all manner of things and students would pick and choose what they wanted to do that day. If they did not want to go to class, that was fine. They would learn when and how they wanted. Everyone is the teacher and everyone is the student. True, there would be Temple of Learning Staff (called…. Dedicates) who were usually in the role of the teacher most often, leading class, but they are not required to be experts. They simply facilitate and mediate and direct students where they can find information, answer questions if they can, etc. There would be things like art, music, math, science, literature, history, languages, philosophy, linguistics, meditation, swimming, horse back riding, dance, fencing, archery, juggling, communications, astronomy, anthropology, psychology, sociology, sailing, religion, etc. If there was something a student wanted to learn and no one present could teach it (and books and internet were not enough), an expert in the field would be called to give a talk. The entire school could come if they wanted—but it would be a choice. Like a Sci-Fi con or Women’s Spirit. Field trips would be organized, hands-on labs, etc. There would be plenty of extra curricular activities and a large support system.

A student should not have to feel guilty for not going to class because he or she is busy experiencing a different aspect of life. A student should not have to postpone doing something he or she wanted in order to do homework. What if the student was reading a blog and came across an unknown term? The student would then investigate and therefore would be learning. Why force memorization and make learning a chore if the student can find pleasure in learning when it is done on his or her own terms?

I don't get time.

Not only do I not get time (as in not have enough of it), but I also just don't get it. Minutes pass so slowly, hours pass by quickly. Days pass by slowly and weeks pass by insanely fast. I don't understand. How the heck does that work?Also, I made a schedule for myself listing the things in order to get things out of the way in a 'timely' fashion. And if I don't get things finished when I've scheduled them, I'll be screwed. Because there's no time. Why? Because I don't get time. I just wasn't on Time's gift-giving list.

_La_Peau_de_chagrin by Honore de Balzac QUOTE

"Ici, l'on peut écrire soi-même."

(Here, one can write one's self.)

Life is like quiche.

(Universe bows and holds out silver platter) "Life, miss?"

Life isn't easy. No one ever said it was. On the other hand, I'm used to having things handed to me on a silver platter, as it were. And now that I have to do things for myself, life seems much harder than before. Time management is a biggie! There don't seem enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Register for this; sign-up for that; call this person; e-mail that person; do homework for this, that, and the other class; take this test on your own time; practice for this performance; read, fix, write these short stories; make an appointment with this doctor for this thing; write a 6 page paper for this class; write a 7 page paper for that class. All that and still find time to breathe, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, shower, etc. There is no time left for ME. I don't mean to sound selfish, but aren't I important?! I didn't mean for this to sound so whiny. But, of course, that is how it turned out to be. I'm just not used to setting up my own things (such as appointments) and planning my life for myself. I'm used to having parents, etc., tell me "go here," "do this," "don't forget," "Give me your laundry," "eat this food that I have made for you," and so on. It is quite a different experience to plan my schedule for myself, to do laundry for myself, and to worry about getting food somehow if the dorm food is bad. I know I make it sound like life sucks, but I know there are people out there with horrible situations that would make my situation look like a heaven. That doesn't mean it's any easier.

Warning! Days in Calender Closer Than They Appear

Everything's happening so fast. Life is coming at me so fast. It's scary. There isn't enough time to do what needs to be done in the two years before the "real world" reaches me. So I look at things a day at a time. But that means that things get put off, forgotten, and there is no plan. There are so many things I need to do and not enough time in which to do them. I feel so lost. And I'm afraid. The years pass so quickly. I should still be a kid. I want to still be a kid sometimes. Other times I just want to let go and get it over with. Jump into the real world, right in the middle of the current. I am an incoming junior in college. It is too late this semester to start Teacher Certification. Next semester, I hope to (but have not done anything to work toward) Study Abroad. So that leaves Senior year. But teacher's cert. can't happen in one year. And we don't have the money for me to stay longer. We don't have the money for me to be going now. I've come this far, but I'm afraid and so I hang back. And yet Life is dragging me forward and I can't just stop.
Time is a funny thing. While it is happening it alternates between minutes going to slow and going to fast. But then you look back from where you're standing now and think "How did I get here? How did things progress so fast? Shouldn't I still be in Junior High?" Last year was one of the fastest ever and I fear that this one will be even faster. And I'm caught, being pulled along with it. Who knows where I'll end up. I only hope it will be in a place I want to be.

My God (A poem)

My God

The rising sun. The ocean. The night sky. The cherry tree in full blossom.
The delighted and joyous laughter of children. The light of a candle burning in the lonesome dark. The smile of a loved one. A hug from a friend. The voice of your lover. The cool touch of a gentle breeze on a hot day. A butterfly. Music. Color. Company and a warm blanket inside on a snowy evening. A good book in the sunny valley or on a rainy day. The flight of a heron. A kiss. Peace, Hope, and Love. These are Beauty. These are Life. These are God.