Life never ends up as you expect it to. We dream and imagine and have Great Expectations on how Life will play out, but it rarely turns out that way. You take your future for granted, expecting it to just Turn Out how you expected. You don't even necessarily realize that you're expecting it to turn out a certain way until it doesn't turn out that way. At least, that's how it works for me. And even knowing that nothing's going to be as I'm expecting, I still expect things.
I'm not a teacher as I expected to be by now (or rather, a student teacher). I didn't expect this outcome for very long--I've never had Great Expectations for specific careers--but it is still difficult when your Plan falls through. And I'm not even a great planner; in fact, I'd rather other people make plans. I try to keep the mind-frame of Whatever Happens, Happens. My life isn't particularly difficult at the moment, though I'm still having a tough time. I feel...purposeless, listless. I don't know what I want for my future. Or, more specifically, I don't know what Career I want. I know that I want to be happy. It's finding the Right Job that's the hard part. It makes me feel incredibly picky. And dejected. The descriptions of the job/internship make me feel so inadequate. Either I'm not qualified because I don't have 2-5 years experience in the field (and how am I supposed to get said experience if every internship/job requires people to have 2-5 years of experience?!), OR I immediate think "oh, I can't do that; I'd be bad at that." The other half sound boring--which I means I should just apply for the freaking job and not worry about whether it's boring or not. The point is to gain experience (so I can eventually get a job I actually like) and money (so I can pay bills and student loans--you know, SURVIVE).
Anyway, reading the descriptions makes me feel inadequate and insecure and dejected. I know I should just suck it up and apply. After all, as my wise-and-teenaged younger cousin told me, "apply to everything. You're too hard on yourself; employers will judge you differently than you judge yourself. Besides, anything is better than the job you have now." And people say 15-year-olds don't know everything. Okay, he doesn't know everything, but that chunk of wisdom is something to take to heart!
I wish I knew what I wanted to do. As I said, I know I want to be happy. Beyond that...I don't know. I've got this resume and this education. You'd think that's all you need. I expected to go to college (which I did) for four years (which I did...plus almost two more years). I thought I'd have a job by now and a significant-other. And plans for kids five years from now. But now I know that I'm not ready to get married or have kids. And I don't think I'll be ready for kids in five years--but who knows, right? I thought I'd be a writer (and I am, so long as "writer" equals "someone who writes words down on paper" and not "someone with finished novels and manuscripts at the editor and books published.").
Soon I'll have to be living on my own--which, to be honest, scares the shit out of me. I don't WANT to live at family members' houses forever--I do want to get my own place, I'm just scared to do it. I'll have to have a 'Real Job' because this is the "Real World" and "Real Life," which isn't nearly as awesome as Fake Life. I still prefer fantasy to the Real World and I escape there every chance I get. Especially when I'm worrying about finding a job, or I'm at my under the table, minimum wage job-which-I-hate-and-can't-wait-to-get-out-of-but-can't-seem-to-leave.
I wish I wasn't so scared of everything. Scared of being insufficient/inadequate. Scared of not finding the Right Job For Me. Scared to be out on my own. Scared of being alone. Scared of not LIVING my life because of fear. One day, that last fear will be greater than my other fears and I'll be able to do those things I'm scared of. I just hope that that day actually comes before it's too late.
unit plan
17 years ago
