Sanctuary

Something I wrote on the 14th of this month. As usual, I don't know where it came from. It's good though.

She tiptoed closer, ever hopeful, ever wary. Rain drizzled down her back and locks of soaking hair clung to her cheeks, neck, and shoulders. A soft, warm glow shone gently out into the cold, wet dark of night. This was her chance. Slipping and sliding from shadow to rain-wet shadow, she made her way toward the light.
As she reached the heavy oaken doors, they swung open.
"Welcome, come in," said a soft and gentle voice. It belonged to the white-robed woman standing in the threshold of the building, half shrouded in darkness, her back to the light.
"Sanctuary," the girl breathed.
"Yes," the woman smiled. "Yes, it is."

Lord Byron quotes (fragments from Manfred")

“My slumbers--if I slumber--are not sleep, / But a continuance of enduring thought, / Which then I can resist not: in my heart / There is a vigil, and these eyes but close / To look within; […]”

“as rain unto the sands”

“spirits of the unbound Universe!”

“breath of twilight”

“[…] in a robe of clouds, / With a diadem of snow.”

“Where the wind is a stranger”

“Space bosom’d not a lovelier star.”

“[…] clouds / Rise curling fast beneath me, […] / Like foam from the roused ocean of deep Hell, / Whose every wave breaks on a living shore”

Shelley quotes (fragments, mostly)

From "Mont Blanc":
"The everlasting universe of things/Flows through the mind, [...]"
"Thou many-coloured, many-voiced vale, / Over whose pines, and crags, and caverns sail / Fast cloud shadows and sunbeams [...]"
"Bursting through these dark mountains like the flame / Of lightning through the tempest; [...]"
"chainless winds"
"One legion of wild thoughts, whose wandering wings / Now float above thy darkness [...]"
"Some say that gleams of a remoter world / Visit the soul in sleep, [...]"
"A desert peopled by the storms alone,"
"None can reply--all seems eternal now."
"Fiery flood"
"Visit the hidden buds, or dreamless sleep / Holds every futre leaf and flower; [...]"
"star-beams"
"[...] The secret strength of things / Which governs thought, and to the infinite dome / Of heaven is as a law, inhabits thee! / And what were thou, and the earth, and the stars, and the sea, / If to the human mind's imaginings / Silence and solitude were vacancy?"

From "Hymn to Intellectual Beauty":
"like hues and harmonies of evening,--"
"Like memory of music fled,-- / Like aught that for its grace may be / Dear, and yet dearer for its mystery."
"Or moonlight on a midnight stream, / Gives grace and truth to life's unquiet dream."

From "Ode to the West Wind":
"[...] the tangled boughs of Heaven and Ocean,"
"Angels of rain and lightning: there are spread / On the blue surface of thine aery surge,"
"Lulled by the coil of his chrystalline streams,"
"sea-blooms"
"As thus with thee in prayer in my sore need. /Oh! lift me as a wave, a leaf, a cloud! / I fall upon the thorns of life! I bleed!"
"A heavy weight of hours has chained and bowed / One too like thee: tameless, and swift, and proud."
"The tumult of thy mighty harmonies"
"If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?"

From Prometheus Unbound:

"[...] who throng those bright and rolling Worlds"
"[...] The Sea, in storm or calm, /Heaven's ever-changing Shadow, spread below-- / Have its deaf waves not heard my agony?"
"shapeless sights"
"many-voiced Echoes"
"And ye swift Whirlwinds, who on poised wings / Hung mute and moveless o'er yon hushed abyss"
"And died as mad as the wild waves be."
"As lighting tingles, hovering ere it strike.--"
"[...] --until his thunder chained thee here.--"
"The shadows of all forms that think and live"
"And iron wings that climb the wind"
"[...] the deep truth is imageless;"
"Each to itself must be the oracle.--
"a shroeless sea"

From "To a Sky-Lark":
"In the golden lightning / Of the sunken Sun--"

Virginia Woolf Quotes:

From "A Room of One's Own":

"The river reflected whatever it chose of sky and bridge and burning tree and when the undergraduate had oared his boat through the reflections they closed again, comletely, as if he had never been."

"As you know, it's [the chapel's] high domes and pinnacles can be seen, like a sailing-ship always voyaging never arriving, lit up at night and visible for miles, far away across the hills."

and I found this quote of Alfred Lord Tennyson's Maud in "A Room of One's Own"

"There has fallen a splendid tear/From the passion-flower at the gate"

When in doubt, quote.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love". Neil Gaiman

(What's worse is when you do it to yourself.)

"Long after moments of closeness have passed, a part of you remains with me and warms the places your hands have touched and hastens my heart for your return." Robert Sexton
(That's true, too. Too bad you can't do it to yourself.)

"My mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me." Jennifer Tyler

quote

If you haven't noticed: I like quotes. (If you hadn't noticed, you are very unobservant.) These two quotes are both by Mercedes Lackey.

“And I try to make all of my characters, even the `evil magicians,' something more than flat stereotypes. Even evil magicians get up in the night and look for cookies, sometimes.”

“I suppose that in everything I write I try to expound the creed I gave my character Diana Tregarde in Burning Water: "There's no such thing as `one, true way'; the only answers worth having are the ones you find for yourself; leave the world better than you found it. Love, freedom, and the chance to do some good -- they're the things worth living and dying for, and if you aren't willing to die for the things worth living for, you might as well turn in your membership in the human race."”

L'amant quote

"Elle a l'odeur délicieuse de la terre mouillée apres l'orage" (French. = She had the delicious sent of wet earth after a storm.)

That is a quote from L'amant (The Lover) by Marguerite Duras. It comes from my favorite passage in the entire book--when the mom is washing the whole house. It's beautifully written.

Poetic Prose

Divine words from Heaven haunted my fragile ears with faint whisperings. The stars twinkled like laughing eyes, glittering in the eternal black. They provided a sharp contrast to the dark, empty ocean beside me. Without a word, the voice of the gods in my ears, I walked into the ocean. I didn't look back and I didn't hold my breath.

So I possibly wrote that. On the other hand, maybe I didn't. I don't know where it came from if I didn't write it. But I don't remember writing it either. It's good in either case. If I did write it, I'm proud of myself. If it's from someplace else, I'm impressed. If you know where it's from, let me know. Someone suggested The Awakening by Kate Chopin, but I've never read it.

John Keats--poetry quotes

"[...] on the shore/Of thewide world I stand alone, and think/Till love and fame to nothingness do sink" ("When I have fears")

"on the shores of darkness there is light [...] There is a budding morrow in midnight" ("To Homer")

"numerous as shadows" and "[...]the honey'd middle of teh night" and "yearning like a god in pain" and Blinded alike from sunshine and from rain" and "The bliss of her dream so pure and deep" and "etheral[...] throbbing star" and "Into her dream he melted, [...]" and "sleeping dragons" (from "Eve of St. Agnes")

"Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness" and "[...] thou hast thy music too,--/While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,/And touch the stubble plains with rosy hue" ("To Autumn")

"Let me not wander in a barren dream;/But, when I am consumed in the fire,/Give me new phoenix wings to fly at my desire." ("On Sitting Down to Read King Lear Once Again")

" [...] a shadow of a manitude" ("On Seeing the Elgin Marbles")

"Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!" and "But on the viewless wings of Poesy" and "the same that oft-times hath/Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam/Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn" and "Was it a vision, r a waking dream?" (Ode to a Nightengale")

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard/Are sweeter still; therefore, ye soft pipes play on;/Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd, Pipe to the spirit ditties fo no tone" and "'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,'--that is all/Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." ("Ode on a Grecian Urn")

"Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave" ("Ode on Melancholy")

Poem_The Last Drop

This is a poem (a rough poem) that I wrote. It starts out very depressed (as you will see) because that was what I was feeling, but I forced myself to end it not so morbidly as I would have liked at the time. It is a poem about hope. As my entry title says, the poem is called "The Last Drop."

The Last Drop

One las drop of blood spilling out my veins
The last drop of hope long gone
Last drop of water in the desert dry
Despair sets in, Desperation takes hold
Last drop of light before darkened sky
Dejection knocks and Forlorn gets bold
Last drop of dark before the bright
Pain walks up and Trial begins
Last drop of warmth before cold's blight
Gloom keeps house and Melancholy wins
Last drop of blood, spilling out my veins
Last drop of hope long gone
One last drop; it is the most precious of all
Treasure it, drink it in, banish anguish
The last drop is the strongest drop
Last drop of blood, about to drip from veins
Last drop of hope long gone
Last drop of blood, not yet drawn
Last drop of hope held in iron chains

Pirandellism

Pirandellism: the idea that there are as many truths as there are points of view. The word was coined from the name of Italian author Luigi Pirandello. I found this interesting because, at heart, all Unitarian Universalists are pirandellists. We have to be or it doesn't work. Our "doctrine," if you will, is that there are many truths and that what I believe to be true is not the same as what you believe to be true, but that that's OK. I really like this idea. Not only do I like this idea, but I also believe it. Not to mention it will mean that, seeing as there are many truths, I'm always right. ;P-

Quote: Federico Fellini, Italian Film person

There is no end. There is no beginning. There is only the infinite passion of life. Federico Fellini

Last Night's Dream: The Alphabet

So, the only part I remember of this dream was we (Luke, Kayla, Naneth, Becky, and I) were listing letters--don't ask me why; I don't know. The thing was, there were a heck of a lot more than A-Z.... "Pon" was one. "lee" was another. (Hey, Lee! You're a letter!!!) "Toe" and "Nee" and "Moo" were a few more. Yeah. Fun stuff.
We listed other things too, but nothing really sticks out. Just thought I'd let everyone know that there are a LOT more than 26 letters in the alphabet.

Heroes season 3 , episode 6 quote

"High Five, Turtle!"
--Parkman

quote: Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."

What's your reason to live? Why do you get up in the morning? I live for my family and friends, for books (reading and writing), for music, for the sky. I don't have a specific reason. Some days I wonder what the point of getting out of bed would be that day. Some days I don't know why I keep on trucking. Except for the fact that it would be an almighty waste of everything anyone put into making me, educating me, feeding me, etc. The way I phrased that sounds depressing and a bit morbid. Sorry about that. I hope you understand what I mean.

I'm not a bad writer; I'm just a bad thinker.

"The Gathering"

This is a poem I wrote last week. It's not as coherent and cohesive as I'd like, but it's not bad. It's quite appropriate for the time of year actually. I wonder if it would work better as a prose piece; there is no rhyme, verse, etc. I really like the image it gives. I saw it clearly and that's where the poem came from. The question is: Does the poem present the image and emotions as I saw and felt them, or something different? Only the readers can tell me.

The Gathering

Soul by soul they stand,
Wind swirling through gossamer robes.
Ethereal voices sigh,
Creating tangled webs of sound
Humming above the trees.
A Gathering
Of witches, angels, demons, ghosts.
Heavy fog embraces them,
Stirred by the wind--
Shadows dance, shades sing
With the magic of the Gathering.
Night eternal filled with memory;
Each soul a story of the past,
each spirit witness.
Magic in Gathering, gathering in magic,
Held to Earth by night and fog,
Wind giving them voice.
The Gathering calls.

"Raining Tears"

Tears raining down from Heaven in my heart.
The sky embraces me with blue, black, and grey wings.
The earth holds me up, solid and reliable.
They are still there for me when others depart,
But I find no comfort; my soul with melancholy sings
Sad, lamenting songs sung with fear undeniable.
Don't forget me, your little girl.
Don't leave me, your little girl.
I'm grown up on the outside, but I'm just a girl.
Tears rain down from Heaven in my heart.
The sun is hidden from me; all I see is grey.
Looking up, the clouds tear up; they cry for me.
Are those rain drops dripping down or
Tears raining down from Heaven to my heart?

_La_Peau_de_chagrin by Honore de Balzac QUOTE

"Ici, l'on peut écrire soi-même."

(Here, one can write one's self.)

Life is like quiche.

(Universe bows and holds out silver platter) "Life, miss?"

Life isn't easy. No one ever said it was. On the other hand, I'm used to having things handed to me on a silver platter, as it were. And now that I have to do things for myself, life seems much harder than before. Time management is a biggie! There don't seem enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Register for this; sign-up for that; call this person; e-mail that person; do homework for this, that, and the other class; take this test on your own time; practice for this performance; read, fix, write these short stories; make an appointment with this doctor for this thing; write a 6 page paper for this class; write a 7 page paper for that class. All that and still find time to breathe, eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, shower, etc. There is no time left for ME. I don't mean to sound selfish, but aren't I important?! I didn't mean for this to sound so whiny. But, of course, that is how it turned out to be. I'm just not used to setting up my own things (such as appointments) and planning my life for myself. I'm used to having parents, etc., tell me "go here," "do this," "don't forget," "Give me your laundry," "eat this food that I have made for you," and so on. It is quite a different experience to plan my schedule for myself, to do laundry for myself, and to worry about getting food somehow if the dorm food is bad. I know I make it sound like life sucks, but I know there are people out there with horrible situations that would make my situation look like a heaven. That doesn't mean it's any easier.

Pansexuality

I said in my ‘Gender’ entry that I was bi-curious. But I also said that it wouldn’t matter to me if my boyfriend had a sex change. Which would make him transgendered. Which would make me Pansexual. Except that it hasn’t happened. Which would make me Pan-curious. Has anyone coined the phrase yet? If not, then it should be added to the list.

Meople did a post on Coming Out. I think she has a point. No one should assume anything about a person's sexuality. Everyone should automatically believe one way or another concerning the sexuality of a person walking down the street. Perhaps this person likes women. Perhaps he/she likes men. Perhaps he/she only prefers people who have changed their genders. Until someone says otherwise, we should not assume that someone is straight or gay or bi or anything else.

And why should Pansexuality be a bad thing? Would you still love your partner if he or she decided to have a sex change? I would. Some people like both men and women, those who've changed their gender and those who haven't, those who cross dress, etc.

Why do people have issues with these kinds of things. I don't understand it. They say it isn't normal. Well, what's normal? As someone (don' t know who) once said: "Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine." Everyone has their little idiosyncrasies, their quirks, their strangenesses. And if someone says it's unnatural or that God doesn't want/like it? Well, what do they know? Have they every spoken personally with God? Did God ever say to them in the exact words "Pansexuality is wrong. It is bad. It is unnatural." I doubt it.

So there you have it. Hip Hip Hurray for Pansexuals.

Love. 2 (Length Warning!)

Certain questions have plagued humanity since the beginning. Questions such as:

What is God?

What happens when we die?

And What is Love?

No one could ever explain Love sufficiently enough for me. Until I myself experienced it, it was indescribable. I take that back. Even after I’ve experienced it is indescribable. Until I fell in love, I never believed it possible to die of a broken heart. Now that I have love, I assure you that I could not live without it. You may think I am exaggerating but let me assure you: Though I may not die upon the instant, I would waste away, fading into nothing.

Some may say that what I feel is not love. That no one who has never dated several people could know; they have nothing to which to compare their feelings. Well let me tell the infamous Every-one something. It is possible. It is love. I know it with every fiber of my being. It is Every-one who creates the doubts and plants them in my mind, niggling away at my thoughts, though never my heart. My emotions have been in a turmoil because Every-one knows that you can’t marry your first love; it isn’t really love. Every-one knows you don’t fall in love at 19. Well, Every-one knows a lot of things. I am sure Every-one is more wise than I. Because Every-one knows the world is flat. Every-one knows the Universe revolves around the Earth. Every-one knows the Earth doesn’t grow. And Every-one knows that anyone who has not experienced some minor heart-break could possibly know what Love is.

Some may say that Every-one is correct. Some may say that I have nothing to which to compare my feelings, but I do. I have had crushes. I have felt sexual attraction to other people besides Luke. It is true that I never dated anyone other than him. But I’m certain I know the difference between Infatuation and Love. Between Lust and Love. Between a crush and Love. Some may say that I can’t be in love because I have never before been heart broken. You are wrong. I have been heart broken, though it was my fault, though I was helped along with Every-one. I have been heart broken. I thought it had been plucked from my chest and smashed to smithereens on the floor. And then someone reached inside me and twisted all the other organs into a knot. But that knot could not fill the empty space I felt. I have never cried so much in my entire life. Not when any family member or friend or pet died. Not when I’d been hurt physically. Never. I had never felt so miserable in my entire life. I won’t go into details. I shall not even tell you what happened, though Luke knows what I’m talking about, I think. He was the one who held me while I cried.

So let me tell you, I know the answer to What is Love. Though I am a writer, I would be hard pressed to express it in words. I’ve written poems about it. They are mere shadows of the heart of the matter. No word, no picture could express my feelings. None. Love isn’t a big enough word to encompass all my emotions. Love isn’t big enough to contain the sentiments felt by my heart of my soul. Only someone else who has experienced Love could understand. I know what Love is. Do you? Does Every-one?

*

Afterthought:

Love. Support. Desire. Passion. Encouragement. Affection. Tenderness. Caring. Compassion. Warmth. Strength. Devotion. Value. Fondness. Friendship. Esteem. Respect. Trust. Doting. Loyalty. Regard. Attachment. Acceptance. Intertwining fates. Bound Destinies.

To me, Love isn’t big enough to include fate, destiny. It isn't big enough for forever, for eternity.

It is true that I sometimes feel anger, irritation, annoyance, worry, frustration, stress, exasperation, and disappointment. However, It doesn't change my affection, my desire, my trust, my caring, etc. And it would never sway my love. So I say again: Do you know Love? Maybe you do. Does Every-one? Somehow, I don't think so.

Hemmingway Challenge: 6-word story

1.) Dear God, your daughter says 'hello."
2.) Then one day the stars changed.
3.) Let me hear your battle cry.

In case you were curious, here's my battle cry:

Rawrrrrrwahyahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Books. Read them.

Old Turtle
Compass Rose, Briar Rose, and Eternal Rose by Gail Dayton
Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Braking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Veil of Roses
Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Lamb; the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
Moon Called by Patricia Briggs
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon
All the Miles Vorkosigan books by Lois McMaster Bujold
Here If You Need Me by Kate Braestrup
Catwitch

And so it was written

And So It Was Written.

"Excuse me, but when you say 'written,' do you mean in pen or pencil?"
Silence.
"Because, see, if it was pencil I can erase it, but if it was in pen then I have to cross it out. So which is it?"

The voice began again.
And So It Was Typed...

"Backspace. Or delete. Whichever you prefer."

The voice was beginning to be a bit agitated.
And So It Was Engraved In Stone

"Stone can be broken."

The voice almost screamed. It took a deep breath and stated firmly, though one could tell that it was severely harassed:
And So It Was!!!

"Says who?" came the indignant tone from below.

Another Poem. Untitled.

You are far away,
Farther than China
Or even the moon.

Without you the world is grey,
Dim as ash on a cloudy night.
My only hope is to see you soon.

In my dreams I can stray,
And close the gap between us
Where you brighten my sleep to noon.

But once I wake with the day,
You fade and the distance grows
Until not even imagination is immune.

Warning! Days in Calender Closer Than They Appear

Everything's happening so fast. Life is coming at me so fast. It's scary. There isn't enough time to do what needs to be done in the two years before the "real world" reaches me. So I look at things a day at a time. But that means that things get put off, forgotten, and there is no plan. There are so many things I need to do and not enough time in which to do them. I feel so lost. And I'm afraid. The years pass so quickly. I should still be a kid. I want to still be a kid sometimes. Other times I just want to let go and get it over with. Jump into the real world, right in the middle of the current. I am an incoming junior in college. It is too late this semester to start Teacher Certification. Next semester, I hope to (but have not done anything to work toward) Study Abroad. So that leaves Senior year. But teacher's cert. can't happen in one year. And we don't have the money for me to stay longer. We don't have the money for me to be going now. I've come this far, but I'm afraid and so I hang back. And yet Life is dragging me forward and I can't just stop.
Time is a funny thing. While it is happening it alternates between minutes going to slow and going to fast. But then you look back from where you're standing now and think "How did I get here? How did things progress so fast? Shouldn't I still be in Junior High?" Last year was one of the fastest ever and I fear that this one will be even faster. And I'm caught, being pulled along with it. Who knows where I'll end up. I only hope it will be in a place I want to be.

My God (A poem)

My God

The rising sun. The ocean. The night sky. The cherry tree in full blossom.
The delighted and joyous laughter of children. The light of a candle burning in the lonesome dark. The smile of a loved one. A hug from a friend. The voice of your lover. The cool touch of a gentle breeze on a hot day. A butterfly. Music. Color. Company and a warm blanket inside on a snowy evening. A good book in the sunny valley or on a rainy day. The flight of a heron. A kiss. Peace, Hope, and Love. These are Beauty. These are Life. These are God.

Polyamory

So I did my shtick on gender, so I guess the next thing to explore would be Polyamory relationships. Ready, folks? Polyamory is not bad!! There is no problem with more than one person in a marriage, as long as all parties know and consent. So long as everyone is married to each other and no one person is opposed to the idea or so long as no one person has multiple spouses (in secret), then there is no problem with polyamory. And it’s not just about sex! Just like any other marriage is not just about sex. Children and finances are also part of the equation.

There's a great book series by Gail Dayton called the Compass Rose. A marriage is between four people--at least. I think that is very cool. It's a romance with magic and adventure built into it. Supercool. Anyway, I think it is awesome that there are books out there where there is polyamory unions. I don't understand why people are so opposed to the idea. Well, I guess I don't want to share my boyfriend, but if we both fell in love with another person, they would be welcome into our relationship. But I doubt that that will happen for me; I don't have enough room in my heart for that kind of love anymore. I can love as a friend or family member, but not as a lover because my boyfriend takes up that space. However, maybe others have bigger hearts than I do, at least in this respect, and are therefore able to love more than one person as a lover. Yay, them! Three cheers, I say. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Anyway... as I said. Polyamory unions aren't just about sex. There's love, respect, trust, and happiness. They raise children together. They help each other with money. They live together. Sounds good to me! I mean, this way, only one house has to be bought and more than two people are able to pay for the mortgage and appliances and utilities! Very efficient! And there's more people to clean the house (as well as make it dirty). There are more groceries to buy, but more people to contribute money to buy them in the first place. So finance is a part of this.

But most of all, in my opinion, polyamory is about love, respect, trust, and happiness. It's about caring.

I was going to go into a lot more detail, etc., but I can't think of what I was going to say! Ah, memory....

God

I wrote a poem entitled "My God" a few years back. What I wrote is true. I believe that God (or Goddess or the Holy One or the Great Spirit or Whatever You Want To Call It) is in everything, is a part of everything. It links everything together: trees, animals, people, the sky, the waters, etc. The things I listed in the poem are the evidence of God. I believe that God is within everything, but is also separate.

Read Old Turtle (a children's story by Douglas Wood).

Tentative Poem (looks better in my word doc.)

Darkness
D
R
I
P
P
I
N
G
Down
To spLAsh in my heart-ache.
The sun has gone out.
I am blind.
The darkness closes in,
Choking me.
It
S
P
I
R
A
L
S
Around me,
Falling like rain.
Or tears.
Maybe it misses you as much as I do.
The sun has gone out.
My sun has gone out.
I am cold.
It is dark.
The darkness clenches around my heart
(--darkHEARTness--)
Squeezing tighter and tighter
Until the blood can not get through
The Pain
D
R
I
P
S
Off of me
Like sweat and tears.
Like rain.
Like the darkness.
Pain and Darkness surround me
Like a blanket,
Smothering me
The sun has gone out
My sun has gone out.
All that is left is my darkness.
Empty of light.
Nothing is enough to keep
Me from being empty, too.
Just empty.

<3

Love is a strange thing. I feel like Champagne; all golden, glowy, and bubbly. I can hardly wait just to hold his hand, to hug him, to look into his eyes. Who would have thought that a Tom-boy like me would become so lovey-dovey, head-over-heals in love, spouting corny sayings, and daydreaming about looking into his eyes? I wonder if anyone would have guessed that I'd be such a romantic. Who would have thought that I'd be happy just to hold hands and cuddle on the couch while watching TV and talking on the phone for hours. I never would have thought that someone else besides my mother would have taken the role of "home." I don't know when I started thinking of him as home, more so than I thought of mom as home. I wonder if that will change. I hope not. I can't imagine him not being 'home' for me, though I never used to be able to imagine that mom wasn't 'home' either. Well, she's still home, but she's second. Meople's home is another I consider 'home.' But he gets the gold above them all. And yet, I feel nervous to go to his house. I'm not nervous because of him, but because of his parents; I care what they think and it will be a little awkward to be with him and them. But I love him, and once I'm there, I will be fine. And he will be with me. And we'll be together. For a couple days at least. And the I will go to Meople's home for the 4th of July and the weekend right after.

Go-to Girl

I never thought I'd be the girl someone would come to for advice about dating. Especially Alex! Questions about what to do about his new girl friend. Things from his "their song" to cuddling in public. Sigh. And confusion about what he feels. I gave several speeches. Well, I guess I can understand why he picked me: I'm older, a girl, and have a boyfriend. Therefore, I must know everything... I expected to talk with Becky about this stuff, if I talked with anyone at all. More like I'd be the one doing the asking. It's not like I have much experience. I can understand why he'd ask me some questions though. He needs a girl to ask to help figure out how to deal with a girl. And I'm it. Who'd of guessed?

Gender (length warning!) (Hope its not TOO discombobulated!)

I was raised to accept people for who they are and be tolerant of other people's beliefs. I believe that just because someone is different from what society perceives as 'correct' or 'right' or 'good' does not mean that the person should be hated or feared or discriminated against. This is why the gender situation bothers me. I mean, people aren't simply black and white. There is a bunch of grey--colors of all shades, in fact--between black and white. How can a person be simply male or female? It doesn't makes since because of the traits and behaviors we assign to the words. Think about it: Men paint their nails or work as nurses and women fix cars and cut their hair short. Women can wear pants and no one even bats an eye. Why can't men wear dresses? It just a garment, after all. It doesn't have to mean that he is gay. And if it did, I still don't see a problem. How can there be just two words for gender when there are a wide range of behaviors that are considered gender specific? A man is afraid of spiders. Does this mean he is not manly? What if I told you he was a soldier, very muscular, and fit the word ‘man’ in every other respect. You would no doubt say that he was very manly. But if he paints his nails occasionally (or more often), cries when he has to say goodbye to his family or friends for a long period of time, and watches ‘chick flicks’ you would probably would not say he was manly at all. How about a woman with short hair? That is quite common. Sometimes it can be quite ‘feminine.’ But what if she shops for her clothes in the men’s department of stores? What if she’s strong and works on cars and doesn’t wear make-up? Most people would assume she was a lesbian or at least say she was unfeminine. But what if this short haired woman fits every other role for females? She loves children, is compassionate, wears ‘appropriate’ clothing. Gender isn’t as easy as it looks. So I was born female. What if I had decided that I wasn’t supposed to be female? What if I got a sex change? Now I’m a man, right? But I still am attracted to men. Am I gay? Or am I straight because of my chromosomes and how I spent the first half of my life with the body of a woman? Or what if I didn’t get a sex change? What if I had a woman’s body, but dressed like a man and dated men and said I was ‘male’ despite physical appearances? So now what am I? In any case, it is silly to discriminate because someone does not dress or act according to their gender roles. They can still participate in society, become good doctors or lawyers, raise children, teach math or science or English or art, become the greatest musician or writer, keep their house up to standard and pay their bills and taxes. Why is it such a problem that they are a man in a woman’s body (or vice versa), or a man who wears make up and cries at movies and sucks at sports but thinks of himself as a man and is attracted to women? It doesn’t matter. There is no point to discriminating because of gender. Yes, people don’t discriminate against a person because they are male or female. But when they find out that the person wasn’t always that gender, or identifies with a different gender? Some people are sickened. Others just uncomfortable. I admit it can be confusing. There is a woman at my church who was not always --physically-- a woman. I go to science fiction conventions where men dress as women. So when you see someone with breasts, a fitted pink top, painted nails, high heels, and long blond hair pulled back into a pony tale you think woman and say “she” or “her.” But then you hear this person speak. Her voice is low, definitely belonging to a man. Do you get confused and say “sir” instead of “ma’am”? I know I’ve been called “sir” when I had short hair and was wearing a bulky unisex winter coat. Difficult to tell. And the woman was very embarrassed when I spoke and apologized profusely. But it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t her fault. She was busy and had only glanced at me. She couldn’t tell. My mother still gets called “sir” because of her short hair. Big deal. So do you sir or ma’am the woman with a deep voice? He or she? Him or her? Well, in my opinion, she went to such great lengths to look like a woman and dress like a woman that we should respect her decision and use the feminine pronouns/honorifics. So you’re a bit confused. Big deal. No harm done. You’re safe, if only a bit flustered. So why is there such a problem with gender?

Or how about this. You are married with a baby on the way. You love your husband very much. He tells you he wants a sex change. Are you appalled? Or do you support you beloved? Will you stop loving him once he becomes a her? After all, you aren’t in love because you were attracted to his body. You love his personality. That will remain the same. And for the most part (as far as I know) he will look the same, just more feminine. Or what if your baby is born with both male and female gentiles? What should you do? Do you choose one? Or do you love and support your child and raise it even though it is a hermaphrodite? When it becomes a teenager and doesn’t know which gender it really is do you make it choose to be whichever it wants--but it has to pick one-- or do you let it be who it really is. Why can’t the child stay a hermaphrodite? Why does this disgust or scare people? Why must there be only two genders to pick from? Why can’t Scantron tests have more bubbles to fill besides M or F? Shouldn’t there be an N for neither or a B for both? Or an H for hermaphrodite? And are we talking about physical/genetic genders or something else? Perhaps mental genders. Then, though I am female, I could pick M if I chose. And which bathroom should the person use? Does it even matter? It is, after all, just a bathroom. Though at first I might be a little surprised if a man walked into the ladies room. I’m sure the guys would think the same thing if someone in a dress walked into the men’s room to use the urinal.

Personally, I was born female and identify as female and am bi-curious. I only say 'curious' because I've only had one relationship and that was with a guy, so how can I say I'm bisexual when I've never dated a girl? I don't think attraction is enough until acted upon. I've always said that I was bisexual before because I didn't know about this term. If I fell in love with a girl or a transgendered person, it wouldn’t make a difference. Until that happens, I’ll simply be bi-curious not bisexual because I love my boyfriend. But it was just chance that I fell in love with a man. And if he decided he wanted to be a woman, I would support and love him just the same. Love is love, after all.

So what’s the big deal about gender? So she’s a man. Whoop-dee-doo. So he wears women’s clothing. So that man acts like a woman. So she’s masculine in appearance. Maybe I should ‘correct’ people when they call me “ma’am” just to make a point. People shouldn’t change or suppress themselves on the basis of gender, just because society says so. So you don’t fit the gender roles and stereotypes. So what?! Toss them out the window. You shouldn’t have to fit them. They should fit you.

Random Fact:

Human's Body Temp = 98.6 degrees F
You knew that already. But here are two you probably didn't know:

Vampire Body Temp = 90 (fed) and 87 (before feeding) degrees F
Werewolf Body Temp = 103 degrees F

You learn something knew every day!

Color of Heaven (length warning!!!)

Our lives are colored by the people in it, our parents, our siblings, our friends, our lovers, our teachers, our bosses, and so on. Therefore, Heaven is colored by the people who have good influences on us and who are in our good memories. When we die we go to Heaven. Heaven is with all the people we love; it doesn't matter if you love more than one person because in Heaven, poyamory is the norm. For example:
You remember your first love from high school fondly your entire life and though you do have other relationships you are only dating for the sake of dating. In college you have your first serious dating relationship; you are both in love and know it. You know that this will last forever. But he/she goes to study abroad in Spain and you transfer to a different school with a better English track. It is painful for you both because you feel like you'll never see each other again. But you do; after a year you meet up back home during the summer. Both of you have changed and grown. You realize that now you will never be more than friends so you force yourselves to move on, but you miss how you used to be and you miss each other. After a while, you try a relationship or two, but it is just not the same and they don't last long.
Eventually you find the love of your life. You get married, have children and have long, mostly-happy, beautiful, and love-filled lives. Then you die. You go to Heaven along with everyone else. What happens? Do you stay with your husband, your college girlfriend, or your first love? The answer is all three. Everyone spends Heaven with ALL their loves who exist, for you, how they were in life when you loved them. And then you have your parents, your siblings, your friends, etc. to be with.
Heaven is a place of eternal love. Everyone realizes that just because you love more than one person doesn't mean you have to love any one person any less. So you relive the happy memories, laugh with each other, make new memories, living as you did when you were alive together and in love. This is why heaven is polyamourous. Perhaps this is not the correct word since all of you aren't married to each other, but hopefully you understand what I mean.
The classical/typical idea of paradise is warm and sun-shiny all the time. But what about the people who like the rain? And what about snow? I would miss the snow; I love snow. And if there is no snow and the weather is always the same, then it is not Heaven because it would be boring and not paradise. And if I don't care that there is no snow, etc, then I would not be me and therefore it would not be heaven.
In Heaven you can do everything you've dreamed of doing. You can play violin if you choose, or are a best selling author. Physics is not really an issue--unless you want it to be. You can fly, breathe under water, dance in fire, and talk to trees. You can go anywhere you want just by a thought, or you can take the long way--whichever you choose. You can go on adventures without having to worry about dying (because you are already dead) and, since you do not have to eat to survive, you only have to eat when and what you wish. Other than that, Heaven is a lot like Earth and death is a lot like life.
I'm not sure where Heaven is, after all, no one's ever found it. if it was a place then scientists would have found it. Perhaps it is not a place that can even be reached (or found) in a body. Maybe only spirits/souls can reach it--can even find it. It is more than an idea, less than physica--like dreams. Only it is real and there are never any nightmares. Just wonder, peace, fun, joy, beauty, and love.
Heaven is full of love and life (in a manner of speaking). It is full of color beyond imagining and colored by the people we love, as if they are the paints of paradise, as if they are the Color of Heaven.

Realization

In the About Me section I say that "I am someone in search of Beauty, Truth, Peace, and Love." But that is not precisely true. I am not in search of Love. I've already found it. But, I guess, everyone is in search of Love even after they found it. There are, after all, different types of Love. Which I point out in my second entry "Epiphany_Beyond Words." So I guess this realization is not exactly true.

Question:

Would you rather live forever or die tomorrow?

Tough choice. I think I'd go insane if I lived forever. Especially once all my friends and family died. I'd get so bored! But I wouldn't want to die tomorrow because I'd never get to do the things I've always wanted to try and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to all the people I love. I wouldn't be able to learn to dance, rollerblade, juggle, do martial arts, do stain glass, fly, sail, draw, play violin braid hair, etc. I wouldn't be able to visit my loved ones, have kids, see the world. None of my writing would get published. So, I don't know.

So, I guess I have to go with the 'live forever' option and hope I find a way to make my loved ones immortal as well. Or find away to kill myself after a few centuries.

Epiphany_Beyond Words

I started saying "Beyond words/explanation/description" or "More than words/explanation/description" when I say goodbye to Luke. What I mean is I started saying "I love you __see above__." I guess it makes since because I'm a writer and words and explanation or description are very important to me. Not that I can explain or describe how I feel. At least not very well. I always feel like the English language doesn't really have enough words, or the rather, the right words. Like love. There's only the one word. 'Adore' isn't right. 'Idolize' isn't right. 'Own' isn't right. 'Fondness' isn't right. 'Devotion' isn't right. 'Affection' isn't right. 'Tenderness' isn't right. 'Caring' isn't the right word. 'Passion" isn't right. None of those words are exactly right. Nothing is exactly right. 'Forever' isn't enough of a word to encompass everything. When I say "I love you" I mean all those things, or only some of them, depending on to whom I'm speaking. How we feel about each other is all those things combined and more because each of those words alone isn't enough. I wish I could describe to you how I really feel. But I can no more describe how I feel about Luke than I can describe the feeling when I look up at a sky full of stars twinkling clear and bright and looking so close that I could touch them. We're a Venn diagram. OK, that analogy sounds absurd and silly, but there's truth to it. Don't you think so? Or do you not understand what I mean? I'm not sure I really understand what I mean. That's not the point. The point is that there is more than meets the eye to relationships. It's like fate. Or destiny. Except I'm not sure if I believe in those things. Except that I must, on some level anyway, at least partially--or believe something like it--because otherwise I wouldn't be able to feel the More. Can there be something that's More than love? There definitely needs to be a better word because I love Neth, Becky, my brothers, even Bruce (Yes, I'll admit it. I'd be horrified if something happed to him and I do care about him, much as I hate to admit it. And have never told him because the admitting it makes me uncomfortable for some reason.) I love the sky. I love books. I love writing. I love color and music and soft things and chocolate. I loved my pets. It's love, not just like in a lot of cases. Love indicates 'more than like' something. Chocolate, for instance. I wouldn't die if there was no more chocolate. I wouldn't be devastated. I'd be unhappy and I'd miss it, but that's about it. But it isn't just like. Do you see what I mean when I say there need to be more words? Which one is really love? I love Luke and my family more than chocolate. But I don't love them the same. It's a different feeling than how I feel about chocolate, that's for darn sure. But we still use the same word. That's why I say "beyond words"--because there aren't enough words. Words have to many different meanings. Especially words like love. Hence the floorboard, ceiling tile, and light switch thing. It's silly and the words don't have enough punch behind them or enough meaning behind them. Which is why I don't use them except when I'm being light-hearted, or silly, or just having fun, or whatever it is that I am when I use them. It's a joke, though, in essence they work (they just need to be different words). Maybe that's why I love languages so much; so I'll have other ways to explain things or describe things. Maybe that's why I like Athuriyn. Because English isn't enough. I can't tell people how much I love them with any of the languages I know. I can't explain how much certain people mean to me. I don't think I could say it enough. Maybe I don't feel like I can say it enough because Love doesn't cover how I feel. Because the word is to weak, it doesn't hold enough--at least not for some things. Maybe that's why I tell you so often. All I know is that whatever that word is it'd have to be very long because otherwise there'd be no way it could encompass how I feel about Luke or how big the emotion is!
Wow. I really got carried away. Went a bit overboard, didn't I. Hope you forgive me. Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.
Well, this is definitely a lot longer than I intended it to be. I hope you made it all the way to the bottom. Hope I didn't bore you, or hurt your eyes or your mind.

Introduction

So I thought I'd begin with a short hello:
"Hello."
Thant done, I would like introduce myself. (That sounds so inane....) I write stories, poetry. Here is a poem I just thought up. You'll have to excuse the roughness.

Poetry is in motion.

Music is in the sky.
Dance is but emotion.
Silence is in the lie.
A Cure is in the illness.
The calm is in the tempest.
The storm is in the stillness.
The future is for the youngest.

The end is in the beginning.
The beginning is in the end.
Today is in the past.
The past becomes today.
Everything is together,
Though in body we are apart.
So I shall dance emotion
And hear the music of the sky.
I shall be the stormy calm
And deny the peaceful bomb.

And now I must do dinner and feast and make merry! Hooray for Blogs. And welcome.