<3

Love is a strange thing. I feel like Champagne; all golden, glowy, and bubbly. I can hardly wait just to hold his hand, to hug him, to look into his eyes. Who would have thought that a Tom-boy like me would become so lovey-dovey, head-over-heals in love, spouting corny sayings, and daydreaming about looking into his eyes? I wonder if anyone would have guessed that I'd be such a romantic. Who would have thought that I'd be happy just to hold hands and cuddle on the couch while watching TV and talking on the phone for hours. I never would have thought that someone else besides my mother would have taken the role of "home." I don't know when I started thinking of him as home, more so than I thought of mom as home. I wonder if that will change. I hope not. I can't imagine him not being 'home' for me, though I never used to be able to imagine that mom wasn't 'home' either. Well, she's still home, but she's second. Meople's home is another I consider 'home.' But he gets the gold above them all. And yet, I feel nervous to go to his house. I'm not nervous because of him, but because of his parents; I care what they think and it will be a little awkward to be with him and them. But I love him, and once I'm there, I will be fine. And he will be with me. And we'll be together. For a couple days at least. And the I will go to Meople's home for the 4th of July and the weekend right after.

Go-to Girl

I never thought I'd be the girl someone would come to for advice about dating. Especially Alex! Questions about what to do about his new girl friend. Things from his "their song" to cuddling in public. Sigh. And confusion about what he feels. I gave several speeches. Well, I guess I can understand why he picked me: I'm older, a girl, and have a boyfriend. Therefore, I must know everything... I expected to talk with Becky about this stuff, if I talked with anyone at all. More like I'd be the one doing the asking. It's not like I have much experience. I can understand why he'd ask me some questions though. He needs a girl to ask to help figure out how to deal with a girl. And I'm it. Who'd of guessed?

Gender (length warning!) (Hope its not TOO discombobulated!)

I was raised to accept people for who they are and be tolerant of other people's beliefs. I believe that just because someone is different from what society perceives as 'correct' or 'right' or 'good' does not mean that the person should be hated or feared or discriminated against. This is why the gender situation bothers me. I mean, people aren't simply black and white. There is a bunch of grey--colors of all shades, in fact--between black and white. How can a person be simply male or female? It doesn't makes since because of the traits and behaviors we assign to the words. Think about it: Men paint their nails or work as nurses and women fix cars and cut their hair short. Women can wear pants and no one even bats an eye. Why can't men wear dresses? It just a garment, after all. It doesn't have to mean that he is gay. And if it did, I still don't see a problem. How can there be just two words for gender when there are a wide range of behaviors that are considered gender specific? A man is afraid of spiders. Does this mean he is not manly? What if I told you he was a soldier, very muscular, and fit the word ‘man’ in every other respect. You would no doubt say that he was very manly. But if he paints his nails occasionally (or more often), cries when he has to say goodbye to his family or friends for a long period of time, and watches ‘chick flicks’ you would probably would not say he was manly at all. How about a woman with short hair? That is quite common. Sometimes it can be quite ‘feminine.’ But what if she shops for her clothes in the men’s department of stores? What if she’s strong and works on cars and doesn’t wear make-up? Most people would assume she was a lesbian or at least say she was unfeminine. But what if this short haired woman fits every other role for females? She loves children, is compassionate, wears ‘appropriate’ clothing. Gender isn’t as easy as it looks. So I was born female. What if I had decided that I wasn’t supposed to be female? What if I got a sex change? Now I’m a man, right? But I still am attracted to men. Am I gay? Or am I straight because of my chromosomes and how I spent the first half of my life with the body of a woman? Or what if I didn’t get a sex change? What if I had a woman’s body, but dressed like a man and dated men and said I was ‘male’ despite physical appearances? So now what am I? In any case, it is silly to discriminate because someone does not dress or act according to their gender roles. They can still participate in society, become good doctors or lawyers, raise children, teach math or science or English or art, become the greatest musician or writer, keep their house up to standard and pay their bills and taxes. Why is it such a problem that they are a man in a woman’s body (or vice versa), or a man who wears make up and cries at movies and sucks at sports but thinks of himself as a man and is attracted to women? It doesn’t matter. There is no point to discriminating because of gender. Yes, people don’t discriminate against a person because they are male or female. But when they find out that the person wasn’t always that gender, or identifies with a different gender? Some people are sickened. Others just uncomfortable. I admit it can be confusing. There is a woman at my church who was not always --physically-- a woman. I go to science fiction conventions where men dress as women. So when you see someone with breasts, a fitted pink top, painted nails, high heels, and long blond hair pulled back into a pony tale you think woman and say “she” or “her.” But then you hear this person speak. Her voice is low, definitely belonging to a man. Do you get confused and say “sir” instead of “ma’am”? I know I’ve been called “sir” when I had short hair and was wearing a bulky unisex winter coat. Difficult to tell. And the woman was very embarrassed when I spoke and apologized profusely. But it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t her fault. She was busy and had only glanced at me. She couldn’t tell. My mother still gets called “sir” because of her short hair. Big deal. So do you sir or ma’am the woman with a deep voice? He or she? Him or her? Well, in my opinion, she went to such great lengths to look like a woman and dress like a woman that we should respect her decision and use the feminine pronouns/honorifics. So you’re a bit confused. Big deal. No harm done. You’re safe, if only a bit flustered. So why is there such a problem with gender?

Or how about this. You are married with a baby on the way. You love your husband very much. He tells you he wants a sex change. Are you appalled? Or do you support you beloved? Will you stop loving him once he becomes a her? After all, you aren’t in love because you were attracted to his body. You love his personality. That will remain the same. And for the most part (as far as I know) he will look the same, just more feminine. Or what if your baby is born with both male and female gentiles? What should you do? Do you choose one? Or do you love and support your child and raise it even though it is a hermaphrodite? When it becomes a teenager and doesn’t know which gender it really is do you make it choose to be whichever it wants--but it has to pick one-- or do you let it be who it really is. Why can’t the child stay a hermaphrodite? Why does this disgust or scare people? Why must there be only two genders to pick from? Why can’t Scantron tests have more bubbles to fill besides M or F? Shouldn’t there be an N for neither or a B for both? Or an H for hermaphrodite? And are we talking about physical/genetic genders or something else? Perhaps mental genders. Then, though I am female, I could pick M if I chose. And which bathroom should the person use? Does it even matter? It is, after all, just a bathroom. Though at first I might be a little surprised if a man walked into the ladies room. I’m sure the guys would think the same thing if someone in a dress walked into the men’s room to use the urinal.

Personally, I was born female and identify as female and am bi-curious. I only say 'curious' because I've only had one relationship and that was with a guy, so how can I say I'm bisexual when I've never dated a girl? I don't think attraction is enough until acted upon. I've always said that I was bisexual before because I didn't know about this term. If I fell in love with a girl or a transgendered person, it wouldn’t make a difference. Until that happens, I’ll simply be bi-curious not bisexual because I love my boyfriend. But it was just chance that I fell in love with a man. And if he decided he wanted to be a woman, I would support and love him just the same. Love is love, after all.

So what’s the big deal about gender? So she’s a man. Whoop-dee-doo. So he wears women’s clothing. So that man acts like a woman. So she’s masculine in appearance. Maybe I should ‘correct’ people when they call me “ma’am” just to make a point. People shouldn’t change or suppress themselves on the basis of gender, just because society says so. So you don’t fit the gender roles and stereotypes. So what?! Toss them out the window. You shouldn’t have to fit them. They should fit you.

Random Fact:

Human's Body Temp = 98.6 degrees F
You knew that already. But here are two you probably didn't know:

Vampire Body Temp = 90 (fed) and 87 (before feeding) degrees F
Werewolf Body Temp = 103 degrees F

You learn something knew every day!

Color of Heaven (length warning!!!)

Our lives are colored by the people in it, our parents, our siblings, our friends, our lovers, our teachers, our bosses, and so on. Therefore, Heaven is colored by the people who have good influences on us and who are in our good memories. When we die we go to Heaven. Heaven is with all the people we love; it doesn't matter if you love more than one person because in Heaven, poyamory is the norm. For example:
You remember your first love from high school fondly your entire life and though you do have other relationships you are only dating for the sake of dating. In college you have your first serious dating relationship; you are both in love and know it. You know that this will last forever. But he/she goes to study abroad in Spain and you transfer to a different school with a better English track. It is painful for you both because you feel like you'll never see each other again. But you do; after a year you meet up back home during the summer. Both of you have changed and grown. You realize that now you will never be more than friends so you force yourselves to move on, but you miss how you used to be and you miss each other. After a while, you try a relationship or two, but it is just not the same and they don't last long.
Eventually you find the love of your life. You get married, have children and have long, mostly-happy, beautiful, and love-filled lives. Then you die. You go to Heaven along with everyone else. What happens? Do you stay with your husband, your college girlfriend, or your first love? The answer is all three. Everyone spends Heaven with ALL their loves who exist, for you, how they were in life when you loved them. And then you have your parents, your siblings, your friends, etc. to be with.
Heaven is a place of eternal love. Everyone realizes that just because you love more than one person doesn't mean you have to love any one person any less. So you relive the happy memories, laugh with each other, make new memories, living as you did when you were alive together and in love. This is why heaven is polyamourous. Perhaps this is not the correct word since all of you aren't married to each other, but hopefully you understand what I mean.
The classical/typical idea of paradise is warm and sun-shiny all the time. But what about the people who like the rain? And what about snow? I would miss the snow; I love snow. And if there is no snow and the weather is always the same, then it is not Heaven because it would be boring and not paradise. And if I don't care that there is no snow, etc, then I would not be me and therefore it would not be heaven.
In Heaven you can do everything you've dreamed of doing. You can play violin if you choose, or are a best selling author. Physics is not really an issue--unless you want it to be. You can fly, breathe under water, dance in fire, and talk to trees. You can go anywhere you want just by a thought, or you can take the long way--whichever you choose. You can go on adventures without having to worry about dying (because you are already dead) and, since you do not have to eat to survive, you only have to eat when and what you wish. Other than that, Heaven is a lot like Earth and death is a lot like life.
I'm not sure where Heaven is, after all, no one's ever found it. if it was a place then scientists would have found it. Perhaps it is not a place that can even be reached (or found) in a body. Maybe only spirits/souls can reach it--can even find it. It is more than an idea, less than physica--like dreams. Only it is real and there are never any nightmares. Just wonder, peace, fun, joy, beauty, and love.
Heaven is full of love and life (in a manner of speaking). It is full of color beyond imagining and colored by the people we love, as if they are the paints of paradise, as if they are the Color of Heaven.

Realization

In the About Me section I say that "I am someone in search of Beauty, Truth, Peace, and Love." But that is not precisely true. I am not in search of Love. I've already found it. But, I guess, everyone is in search of Love even after they found it. There are, after all, different types of Love. Which I point out in my second entry "Epiphany_Beyond Words." So I guess this realization is not exactly true.

Question:

Would you rather live forever or die tomorrow?

Tough choice. I think I'd go insane if I lived forever. Especially once all my friends and family died. I'd get so bored! But I wouldn't want to die tomorrow because I'd never get to do the things I've always wanted to try and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to all the people I love. I wouldn't be able to learn to dance, rollerblade, juggle, do martial arts, do stain glass, fly, sail, draw, play violin braid hair, etc. I wouldn't be able to visit my loved ones, have kids, see the world. None of my writing would get published. So, I don't know.

So, I guess I have to go with the 'live forever' option and hope I find a way to make my loved ones immortal as well. Or find away to kill myself after a few centuries.

Epiphany_Beyond Words

I started saying "Beyond words/explanation/description" or "More than words/explanation/description" when I say goodbye to Luke. What I mean is I started saying "I love you __see above__." I guess it makes since because I'm a writer and words and explanation or description are very important to me. Not that I can explain or describe how I feel. At least not very well. I always feel like the English language doesn't really have enough words, or the rather, the right words. Like love. There's only the one word. 'Adore' isn't right. 'Idolize' isn't right. 'Own' isn't right. 'Fondness' isn't right. 'Devotion' isn't right. 'Affection' isn't right. 'Tenderness' isn't right. 'Caring' isn't the right word. 'Passion" isn't right. None of those words are exactly right. Nothing is exactly right. 'Forever' isn't enough of a word to encompass everything. When I say "I love you" I mean all those things, or only some of them, depending on to whom I'm speaking. How we feel about each other is all those things combined and more because each of those words alone isn't enough. I wish I could describe to you how I really feel. But I can no more describe how I feel about Luke than I can describe the feeling when I look up at a sky full of stars twinkling clear and bright and looking so close that I could touch them. We're a Venn diagram. OK, that analogy sounds absurd and silly, but there's truth to it. Don't you think so? Or do you not understand what I mean? I'm not sure I really understand what I mean. That's not the point. The point is that there is more than meets the eye to relationships. It's like fate. Or destiny. Except I'm not sure if I believe in those things. Except that I must, on some level anyway, at least partially--or believe something like it--because otherwise I wouldn't be able to feel the More. Can there be something that's More than love? There definitely needs to be a better word because I love Neth, Becky, my brothers, even Bruce (Yes, I'll admit it. I'd be horrified if something happed to him and I do care about him, much as I hate to admit it. And have never told him because the admitting it makes me uncomfortable for some reason.) I love the sky. I love books. I love writing. I love color and music and soft things and chocolate. I loved my pets. It's love, not just like in a lot of cases. Love indicates 'more than like' something. Chocolate, for instance. I wouldn't die if there was no more chocolate. I wouldn't be devastated. I'd be unhappy and I'd miss it, but that's about it. But it isn't just like. Do you see what I mean when I say there need to be more words? Which one is really love? I love Luke and my family more than chocolate. But I don't love them the same. It's a different feeling than how I feel about chocolate, that's for darn sure. But we still use the same word. That's why I say "beyond words"--because there aren't enough words. Words have to many different meanings. Especially words like love. Hence the floorboard, ceiling tile, and light switch thing. It's silly and the words don't have enough punch behind them or enough meaning behind them. Which is why I don't use them except when I'm being light-hearted, or silly, or just having fun, or whatever it is that I am when I use them. It's a joke, though, in essence they work (they just need to be different words). Maybe that's why I love languages so much; so I'll have other ways to explain things or describe things. Maybe that's why I like Athuriyn. Because English isn't enough. I can't tell people how much I love them with any of the languages I know. I can't explain how much certain people mean to me. I don't think I could say it enough. Maybe I don't feel like I can say it enough because Love doesn't cover how I feel. Because the word is to weak, it doesn't hold enough--at least not for some things. Maybe that's why I tell you so often. All I know is that whatever that word is it'd have to be very long because otherwise there'd be no way it could encompass how I feel about Luke or how big the emotion is!
Wow. I really got carried away. Went a bit overboard, didn't I. Hope you forgive me. Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.
Well, this is definitely a lot longer than I intended it to be. I hope you made it all the way to the bottom. Hope I didn't bore you, or hurt your eyes or your mind.

Introduction

So I thought I'd begin with a short hello:
"Hello."
Thant done, I would like introduce myself. (That sounds so inane....) I write stories, poetry. Here is a poem I just thought up. You'll have to excuse the roughness.

Poetry is in motion.

Music is in the sky.
Dance is but emotion.
Silence is in the lie.
A Cure is in the illness.
The calm is in the tempest.
The storm is in the stillness.
The future is for the youngest.

The end is in the beginning.
The beginning is in the end.
Today is in the past.
The past becomes today.
Everything is together,
Though in body we are apart.
So I shall dance emotion
And hear the music of the sky.
I shall be the stormy calm
And deny the peaceful bomb.

And now I must do dinner and feast and make merry! Hooray for Blogs. And welcome.