I am awesomesaucespectaularamazingwonderfulisticexpialadocious!

How do you write a personal statement (for an application) advocating how awesome you are and why people should hire you, which "sheds light on you as a person" when you don't know why they should hire you and don't know how awesome you are, etc.?
How can I tell someone to hire me and write a statement telling “Oh, look at how awesome I am” if I don’t know how awesome I am? I think I would be an awesome teacher. I want to be a teacher because I want to be a good influence on these kids’ lives. I want to show them that there are people there for them, that they are not alone, that they don’t have to be alone when figuring out tough questions about life. I want to be a teacher to help kids think, to help them find their voice, to help them discover what they believe and what they think is important and what they’re passionate about, I want to help them discover who they are, who they want to be, what they want to do, where they want to go, etc. I think this growing process if fascinated. I love people and helping people and contributing to the community. I love reading and writing and I want to show kids the value in both things. I want to relate texts to students’ lives and interest them in the texts and in the topics.

How can I give reasons why people should hire me if I am wondering “Why would they want to hire me?!” I don’t know the answers. “Provide a statement that sheds light on you as a person, your interests and activities, your professional ambitions, and your philosophy of education.” Shed light of me as a person? I am Refreshingly Quirky, effervescent, cuddly, tall, considerate, fun-loving, whimsical book-loving writer.

As for interests and activities… I am an English major and want to be an English teacher. I like reading and writing you dumbasses.
I care about what the students think. I care about them as people. I want to share my passion for reading and writing with them because these things have been a big part of my life for a very long time and I don not know what I would do without them.
Students should want to learn. They should like learning. I think a student should learn what they want when they want and they won’t absorb material until they are ready to learn something. Until they WANT to learn it.

But really, all of that isn't important. What is important is that I am telling you all this stuff and I am very trustworthy. When I say I am awesome, you should believe me. You should not doubt anything I put in a statement that you will read before deciding whether or not I am worthy of being a student teacher at your school. I am awesome and wonderful and the best. The end. That is all you need to know.